Take a step outside, the air is fine

Things are going, well...things are the same. I still love that girl as much as I ever did (more, I'm sure) and she's still just as Marie-esque.

She thinks last weekend was a bust. "I felt like I wasted it!" she said. She was sick. Didn't bother me that much, I don't know what she was expecting. I'm just glad I got to see her. I wish she would realize that that's enough for me.

I showed up at her house yesterday, without her knowing. I banged on her door, waiting for her to answer it. "Just come IN!!" So, I did. She flipped.

It was fun.

She's at school right now. I'm talking to her with AIM. I fell asleep three times. I haven't gotten a lot of sleep here lately.

I don't feel like talking right now. If I force myself, I'm libel to say something I'd rathr not think about.

Hmm...

You ever get that feeling the world is laughing at you behind your back?

Why is it so hard to breathe? Maybe it's because part of me doesn't want to. Fuck that part.

I upset Marie again today. There were a couple of things I did, but the main one was that I told her that I didn't think Makayla is ugly. "That's the kind of stuff T.K. did," she said. That kind of hurt, but I suppose she's right. I'm tired of Makayla. I really am. She does nothing but make Marie paranoid, and I would gladly never talk to her again if it would make my baby happy. I know it wouldn't... nothing I do does.

I asked Marie a while ago what she didn't like about me, so I could change it. She wouldn't tell me. I now know what I need to do (or stop doing):

1)I'm insensitive. I tell the truth about things, and it hurts her. I need to stop.

2)I'm jealous of everyone she talks to. I realize how that must make her feel. I know what it feels like to know I'm talking to someone my baby hates.

3)I need to quit telling her I hate her friends. If they're good enough to be her friend, then I should accept that and shut my fucking mouth.

I really hope I can make things better. I know that she's never as happy as she appears to be, and that she's hiding her pain from me, but I want more than anything for her to really be happy. I want to show her that not everyhing hurts. Of course, I can't do this if I'm the one that's hurting her. And I want her to believe that I love her. She doesn't right now, and it makes me sad... but I will prove it to her. I don't care what it takes...

Forever moving, yet stationary

What am I?

If anyone knows the answer to this question, feel free to explain it to me. I don't know myself, I think. I can't help but wonder how other people see me. Am I a good person? Personally, I don't think I am. I have morals, but I don't know why, and mostly only when they're convenient for me.

Inner turmoil, yes please.

I seem stuck. My life is on the threshold my future, yet I sit, waiting...for what? I want to go on, and I want to take Marie with me. I will, if she'll have me. She's so deluded, the poor thing, and she's typical. She's a fifteen year old, what do I expect? I feel like a pedophile sometimes, even though I'm only two years older than she is. I love her, though, I know I do. She doubts my reasoning---"You just want in my pants," she says, only half joking---but there's more to it than that. No one believes me when I say it, but sex really isn't that important to me. I think she feels she needs to do things for me so I'll keep loving her. So sad. And I do love her. Even though we be but teenagers, and maybe it equates an elementary school romance, names carved in the desks and all. But I don't care. I don't see it that way.

I want to move on. I want to take this girl with me. I do hope she will see one day, see just how things really are.

Patience is a virtue. I'm not virtuous.

I need to learn to stay away from the computer when I'm depressed. Strange shit comes out when I sit in front of this monitor. Internet journals will do that to you, I suppose.

My girlfriend told me that a friend of hers kissed her yesterday, and that she kissed him back; she didn't know why, she'd said. She told me, crying, on the telephone not to leave her. I explained to her that it would take a lot more than something as trivial as that to make me leave her, as long as she didn't make a habit out of it. Here, read her March fourth entry in her GJ. I'm too lazy to explain it all: http://www.greatestjournal.com/users/akasha07/

It nearly killed me, but I talked to her about it and made her promise that that shit wasn't going to happen again. If it does, then I'll know. I'll know that I'm not as important to her as she says I am. God knows she's important. I don't know what I'd do without her.

I swear, there's some divine creature out there that is determined to keep me from being in a good mood. When ever I feel particularly happy about something, something cataclysmical happens and upsets the world for me. Or maybe I'm manic-depressive. Yeah, that would explain a lot.

Yeah.